Many people feel uncomfortable about approaching the topic of death. Even the word itself, ‘death’, holds a stigma and people prefer to opt for the words ‘passed away’ or ‘crossed over’ or ‘gone to the sky’ or ‘pushing up daisies’ – softer words that are often considered kinder. It is important to remember that sometimes these softer phrases are actually more difficult to understand, especially for children or people with learning difficulties. Clear language in these instances is vital and perhaps using a clearer language with everyone also alleviates some of the discomfort when dealing with death?
The use of language is so important to us as funeral directors; the last thing we want to do is add to the suffering and heartbreak of the bereaved families that we serve. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to talking about dying and death; it is noticeable though that although still grief stricken, those who have managed to speak about death with their loved one prior to them dying, have a sense of calm. Calm in the sense that they are aware of their loved one’s wishes and can therefore arrange their funeral accordingly, which brings peace to the process. It is very hard when you are mourning, trying to do the ‘right thing’ by your family, friends and your loved one and therefore having knowledge about your loved ones’ wishes really helps the process.
We often need encouraging to talk about ourselves, our lives. It is important to talk about our lives and share our stories; this in turn helps the develop the bond between us all and thus helps each of us deal with death. Not talking about the inevitability of death, can increase feelings of distress when your loved one dies. Open and honest discussions about life and death can assure that someone’s end of life wishes are respected.
Being able to talk to our loved ones also allows all the opportunity to share fears and worries. It doesn’t have to be an ongoing discussion or one that happens more than once; it can be simply something we do together once, so that wishes and worries are shared and then the discussion is ‘put to bed’. We are all different; we have different beliefs and different faiths therefore talking about death is also different for us all. We have all had different experiences in our lives too, and it is therefore understandable that we tend to shy away from the emotions that the topic of death brings to the surface.
We often hear from our clients how unprepared they feel when their loved one dies and how they don’t know what to expect; they wish that they had a better understanding of the funeral process or of elements such as the physical changes that will happen to their loved one. If the discussion of death is left until our loved ones are terminally ill or very elderly, the discussions can become more difficult as we are so worried about being insensitive.
It is important to involve children in conversations about living and dying – coping with death affects us all. We might have a conversation that is triggered by something in the news or something in the community or it might be prompted by the need to write a will; whenever the time feels right, we need to know that talking about death is healthy. There are no right or wrong ways to start these conversations. The below list of elements might be some of the things that we establish answers to when talking to our loved ones:
- Where will their funeral take place?
- Do they want a burial or a cremation?
- What clothes would they like to wear?
- Will the service be religious or have any religious content?
- Who would they like to be invited? Or not invited?!
- Are there any special songs they would want played or special readings read?
- Do they want flowers at their funeral? Or donations to a particular charity?
- How do they visualise the funeral? What are attendees wearing?
- If a cremation is desired, where do they want their ashes kept or scattered?
- How do they want to be remembered?
We are always here to help too. We often have conversations with clients when their loved ones are in their last months or days of life and when their loved one does die, having been prepared has helped them grieve.
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